Inspired by a conversation me and Bella had one night while DFG half-listened and mostly slept, I present, a collection of random notes I’ve taken on my phone since I started traveling:

29 December 2016, 8:37 am (Plane to London)
Why do so many of my private fantasies involve showing up former lovers or people I feel have wronged me? Why am I so obsessed not only with the idea of my own happiness but of flaunting that happiness in the face of those I feel have somehow pushed me lower or damaged my ego? It isn’t even about happiness. It’s about some kind of status, some elevation that raises me above. Cooler, more desirable, more interesting, more accomplished. My fantasies crave not only to be cool, but to be cooler than, not only to be happy, but to be happier than.

I don’t want to feel like this. I want to get over this contrast/competition thinking. How do I do that? Affirming my own happiness, coolness, in and of myself without comparison? Or forgiveness? Both? HALP

29 December 2016, 9:13 am (London)
I would like to visit Greenland someday. Not now.

31 December 2016, 1:00 am (London)
“I can’t even think what the genre of my great thought was”

“If we get the 6 and then the 81 that’s the same thing as taking the 87”

“We can have a bro code or the possibility of ever having sex someday, pick one now.”

“Gerard has offended me. Forehead slap”

“Hang on I think we need a quick titanic moment”

1 January 2017, 8:14 am (London)
New year lesson 1: learn how to want yourself. Don’t worry that other people don’t want you. Act in such a way that you haven’t pressured them. Respect that they’ve responded honestly. If they invite you, stay with you, are with you, they want to. You are welcome. Feeling wanted is being at ease with being somewhere. Go out of your way to break down social pressures so someone feels they can be honest. When you’re sure you’ve done that, you can be sure you’re not imposing and that you’re wanted by whoever you’re with.

2 January 2017, 2:16 pm (Dublin)
To find yourself isn’t static. It’s to live in the process of constant creation and destruction.

4 January 2017, 12:19 am (Dublin)
Don’t make space for the wrong people. Trust your intuition. Don’t even bother arguing unless it feels really worth it.

4 January 2017, 10:57 pm (Dublin)
A fiction:

He says, You look like a girl with stories.

She says, Well everyone has stories. I think what you mean is I look like a girl with stories you want to listen to.

He says, Have you ever been in love?

She says, Yes.

Who with?

Everyone. All the time. You, right now.

How is that possible?

Because, she says, for the first time in my life, I don’t feel like I’m pretending.

She says, I like rational men. I like the way they think. It’s how I’m trying not to think anymore.

5 January 2017, 2:19 am (Dublin)
Goal: to be where Erich Schiffman, Douglas Brooks, the 8th Chakra shit meets activism, revolution, anarcho-collectivism. The interplay of the political and the spiritual, expressed through creative means. Mostly words. Maybe other stuff too.

The bard of conscious evolution activism?

Note to self: call Charles Eisenstein

8 January 2017, 6:10 am (Galway)
I want someone to ask, not where I’m from but why I’m here. I want someone to listen when I tell them. I want someone to understand.

9 January 2017, 3:24 pm (Killarney)
Are judgments more useful than facts? Is morality more important than truth?

I like the idea of saying someone is attractive, or a good person, because more than a lot of other descriptors, they’re maybe more widely understood to be personal and subjective.

13 January 2017, 6:22 pm (Cork)
It is half empty and half full.
Its oneness contains its duality.
To see and to be.
To simplify first.
The freedom to choose.
The freedom to choose love.
Then, to speak.

13 January 2017, 9:47 pm (Cork)
Note to self: Rasputin

26 January 2017, 10:47 pm (Edinburgh)
Overheard: don’t hit me with the lettuce

1 February 2017, 2:10 am (Paris)
Edinburgh: lost the thread, old habits die hard, stagnation, and such a nice time ending in crushing anxiety
London: seeing friends happy, not getting sucked back in, say No to regretamine

2 February 2017, 3:20 am (Paris)
Slightly over 8 inches and sufficient in girth, it stands, noble and proud upon the precipice of fornication, the winds of desire rustling in a pubic breeze, while its majestic bulbous head aims to bring all in its path to new heights of previously unexperienced ecstasy. Also it’s neato 10/10 would put in mouth again.

2 February 2017, 4:15 pm (Paris)
People who look like their dogs tho

3 February 2017, 2:02 pm (Paris)
Elitist upbringing and language and vocabulary and name dropping

You could be like, Kierkegaard- Fear and Trembling, yo, or just like, There are forces in the universe maybe known to us but beyond our ability to understand and sometimes you can put your faith in them

Accessibility of language

Decide your goal

Anyone can debate philosophy. Because everyone has thoughts (Descartes lol) and everyone you encounter is like probably also alive in this universe

Reserving the ability to debate ideas for an elitist circle basically reinforces the idea that the majority of the populace exists to do the day labor while the rest of us drink Sauvignon Blanc and wonder at the purpose of our existence.

It’s not dumbing shit down, it’s making language relatable for people who have different experiences

Precise language is cool and all but if you’re not being understood it has no point unless your point is just to show off how elitist you are

Why do I care so much about language? First it’s a massive part of culture. Second I’m pretty good at it. Preconditioning/product of elitist upbringing/Gemini and Mercury/my 5th chakra is way too open (boys 😉 jk bulimia probably)/fuck knows. Third I just like it.

The conclusion isn’t always the point. It’s the process we take to get there. Because there may not be any one conclusion.

Perform in a way that feels right

4 February 2017, 4:23 pm (Bus from Paris to Barcelona)
Entire referendum democracy: possible?

5 February 2017, 6:49 pm (Barcelona)
It didn’t mean anything. It was just, pure and simple, beautiful.

6 February 2017, 1:09 pm (Barcelona)
Probability of a given probability being fact as another probability to accept as fact and also to doubt because it’s still just a probability

7 February 2017, 9:55 am (Barcelona)
Como se dice “Do you have scissors cuz part of my labia is stuck in the lace on my thong” en Espanol?

9 February 2017, 1:54 pm (Barcelona)
Saw a guy on the street light a cigarette. He exhaled and at that exact moment a bunch of bubbles appeared out of apparently nowhere and floated by. We both just kind of stopped, stared for a second, he looked at his cigarette in confusion, I started laughing, he started laughing, we kept walking, that was that.

12 February 2017, 9:35 pm (Madrid)
I talk about 5 whole things:
Authentic communication
Leftist politics
Oneness of the universe
Sex
Memes

13 February 2017, 1:37 pm (Bus from Madrid to Granada)
No one is completely above reproach, and there is no absolute safe space. Not in anyone else, not even in yourself.

So just don’t worry about it. Lolz. You’re never fully safe. You’re never fully right. Don’t try to be either. Get good with not being either.

13 February 2017, 5:07 pm (Granada)
I want this world to be Good enough that being happy in it doesn’t feel like escapism.

13 February 2017, 7:55 pm (Granada)
Hopeless
Numb
Angry
Moved
Inspired
Scared
Sad
Lonely
Strong
Confused and conflicted

14 February 2017, 11:38 am (Granada)
When you feel small and weak, the love you give will give you back your strength.

14 February 2017, 10:54 pm (Granada)
Sometimes I spend 20 minutes just sitting on the toilet looking at memes and if someone knocks on the bathroom door I give it a minute, come out looking really embarrassed and say “you might want to open a window…”

UPDATE: 15 February 2017, 12:28 pm (Granada)
Is the desire to get over contrast-based, competitive thinking (ie. I must be better than you) and into a space of true oneness-based thinking and acceptance and freedom ITSELF a desire to be better than others because not needing to be better ranks higher in my own morality than needing to be better?

Is there a point?

Like, kinda no. But there’s a choice that serves your needs better or worse than other choices and you, consciously or unconsciously/rationally or intuitively, can know your own needs maybe (at least better than you can know anyone else’s needs) so like.

Hmm.

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